Friday, April 27th, 2012...8:51 am
Thoughts Alone In the Night
[I:http://www.dohertyspub.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/EljayJames8.jpg] I cling to hold on and to stay where I am, I awake in the night and I wonder why?
My Thoughts go to a time long ago, I was happy then in that Time. This Place was my Home and many men my Brothers!
As my mind wanders in the darkness, my Heart broken, something pounding away inside of my head, my mind feeling as if it is about to give way, exploude and end me.
I think back to the sorrow, the loss, the pain I went threw and I ask myself why I would stay and struggle to recapture that part of my life, instead of moving forward to some where new some where bright and sunny some where I can find Love and can ride all year long and no one knows me?
As I become more awake and more aware other memories push their way free and forward, My mind trys to hide these memories, Because if they can be Forgotten then maybe there will be no pain no sorrow and no loss.
I Remember Riding these Roads, Not alone but with Brothers, How they where always there for me and I for them. I remember being being a part of something that felt great. It was a Botherhood and we traveled this Island , Not a place on a map but my Home, My Island!
The Sorrow pain and the loss caused my mind to turn on me! When my Brothers died my mind took it as a betrayal and made me believe if they betrayed me then others would betray me! Everyone would Betray me !
My mind became a battle field of thoughts, some of them my own and others were not mine at all. As I fought to reclaim my mind, I could hear a slight whisper that told me there was a reason for everything and if I wanted to know the answer it would come to me here on Long Island.
I believe the battle is over and my mind is now mine again and I am in control. As with all battlefields there are now scars and it is not the same as it once was. I fear tension could arise again and the Fighting could once again resume. I had alway Believed I was a vey much stronger person in both body and mind and who knows, Maybe now I am ?
If there is still a chance that there is a reason to all this, Then I have to know what it is ! Do I continue to have faith in what could have just been the distant whispering of insanity or do I pack my Bags and begin again some where New ?
This question comes to me again and again as I lay alone in the night as I feel myself growing more and more tired everyday and I continue to stay. If I leave am I only running away from here and If I stay am I only hiding here?
I thought I knew what the Future was going to be, But as each day passes and I find myself more alone, I wonder if it is all becoming less of an ideal living inside me and more a Memory of Beliefs from a person I once was.
Am I Still – LJ James ??? [I:http://www.dohertyspub.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/EljayJames2.jpg]